Dating Apps Are Only Good For The Humor You Can Find In Them

And women’s profiles are no exception

Photo by Bruno Gomiero on Unsplash

Some women I know take screenshots of their favorite dating app profiles. The ones providing endless entertainment because of how terrible they are. They are profiles full of shirtless selfies, one liners like, “I’m a nice guy who just want to find his partner in crime,” and DMs like, “Want to have sex?”

Before I found my amazing wife, I tried out dating apps for a while. And while men are famous for having terrible profiles, women can be just as bad. Here are some of the most common things I saw on women’s profiles and how I interpreted them.

  1. “You must love my dog.” Because my dog needs love too. I know this app is supposed to help me find love, but my dog comes first, before you or anyone else.
  2. Profile with all bathroom selfies. Believe me, I have lots of friends. Please ignore the fact that I took all these photos by myself. You can trust me, I promise.
  3. “I just want a nice guy.” No, you don’t.
  4. “I’m not into drama.” I’m certifiably crazy and I introduce drama into the relationship every chance I get.
  5. Every photo is of her surrounded by 10 other women. Didn’t you ever play Where’s Waldo when you were younger? You should be able to pick me out in a few seconds.
  6. Every photo is of her in sunglasses, covered up while skiing in Tahoe, or with her back to you. You’re supposed to be Superman and have X-ray vision.
  7. “I need a date for my Holiday party.” I will use you along with the 12 other men who fall for this, and then I’ll dump you. You’re only good to me for the arm candy, and hopefuly you look good in a tux. But I just want a nice guy, remember?
  8. “I just landed in San Francisco.” I have no money and no friends yet, be prepared to pay for everything, let me sleep in your apartment, and pay for epic adventures.
  9. “I want someone who’s dependable.” Can I depend on you to take me to the Tree farm after our first date to help me load and unload my Holiday tree?
  10. Claims to love the outdoor adventures but has zero photos doing outdoor activities. My idea of the outdoors is walking around the park, finding the perfect indoor house plant, or liking photos on Instagram of people adventuring in the outdoors.

Andrew lives in San Francisco and works in tech. Before tech, he spent 8 years in the Army and 3 years working at a non-profit.

Dad. Husband. Army vet. Enjoy running, cycling, cooking, & guitar. Sign up for my monthly humor newsletter:

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