The parents you had vs. the parent you… —

The 90s were just better — All illustrations by the author.

Tantrums to Triumph: A Toddler’s Guide to Self-Improvement — “How to Get What You Want by Throwing a Tantrum” “The Power of Biting: A Guide to Getting Your Way” “Nap Time: How to Conquer Your Fears and Sleep Like a Baby” “Potty Training: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Poop” “Sharing is for Suckers: Why Hoarding is the Key to…

“Because sometimes you need to hate yourself a little more” — All drawings by the author HotPockets “Because sometimes you just need to hate yourself a little more”

You don’t have as a long as you… —

“Fun!” — You get all sorts of different reactions when you break the news that you’re going to be a new dad. A lot of people will smile and say, “Fun!” Here’s what they’re really trying to tell you: My french press Traitor. That new Keurig won’t love you like I do. …

A cheatsheet — “We need to refactor this” Translation: I wrote this code when I was drunk and now I can’t understand it “I’m working on a hack to get it to work” Translation: I’m not really sure how to fix this problem, but I’m trying anything “This is a known issue” Translation…

When you really just like the pretty labels — Let’s be honest, most of us know very little about wine beyond the fact that it comes in a nice bottle and helps to supplement our weekly therapy session. …

A cheatsheet — “We take user privacy very seriously” Translation: “We take avoiding lawsuits from regulators and class-action lawyers very seriously.” “Our terms of service are straightforward” Translation: “We know you’re not going to read it, so we can put whatever we want in there.” “We fully comply with applicable laws and regulations” …